For the past 7 years, we have been dealing with our worst enemy, “DIVORCE”, Both of us from the beginning tried using the word as a fighting mechanism to beat the other and the one who lost will have to give way to initiating making up. Everytime we use the word, I feel like someone has put a dagger on me and excrutiatingly pushed it deeper and deeper. He probably doesn’t know. He would go to his laptop and watch till he doze off. I really hate the word, no, I condemn it but still I use it to argue, to fight and to scare. how stupid I am.
Finally today, I got a dose of what I have been cooking. He finally meant it when he said it, he took my ring, he took my passport from his country, denied me from any form of communication and I knew then that begging won’t do anything.
I look at myself in the mirror and asked myself what’s next? Should I keep trying to compromise? Should I leave or should I wait? I tried to stand up, wear my lipstick and blush-on like a dead soul. I knew I didn’t want divorce.
It sucks and it hurts like hell. It’s just like all the blood has been drained from my body. The food tastes like metal, the road seems blurry and my eyes can’t focus anymore. i am at the edge of losing my husband to whom I’ve dedicated all my life, my career, my affections, and my future. When he leaves, He takes all these things away with him and I have to start again.
He is so close to me, I can reach him, but his constant rejection makes me realize how far away he is. His handsome face used to have a smile solight, his eyes so bright and acknowledging. Now his face seems so dark, eyes scarier, and he seems way older than he is. He wears laughter much more better.
How could I have lost the man who greatly desired me for so long. Just last month I couldn’t contain the happiness he brought home everyday. i thought he was wearing the most loving affections he has for me. He would come home early everyday, hugging me, kissing me, making love to me. He was extremely excited and he was tireless again and again every signle day until 3 days ago.
The small things he thought I never notice like how he puts his hands on mine while driving and kissing and squeezing them constantly till we get home. I remember everytime we come home, he spills water for me to drink just right after we enter the door, I remeber him wrapping his hands on my waist and dancing to the tune of a soundless soft music and holding my face between his hands and kissing me passionately. I remeber him bringing bubble teas or ice cream in bed before watching our new found movie or tv series. i remember him pulling me on his shoulders and tucking me under the big heavy comforter. I remeber him promising and dreaming of a teenager vacation which I secretly looked forward excitedly. Where have all these gone now.
One mistake and i lost everything. Iam just sitting at the office, looking to my presentation absent mindedly and all I can think of is how I feel. I have to tell someone. I need help. I want to change. I don’t know how to start but I will. I don’t care. I love my marriage and I treasure it more than the other things I take hold of.